Chapter 1: Pirated Music, Drunk Monkeys, and a Missing Porn Folder

The air was cold. The sky was screaming with meteorites, smashing through the atmosphere and clobbering the already much-too-old planet Earth. A Rogue Pirate Ninja known as Zero was busy being pissed off that a corporate spy broke into his hideout and stole some downloaded music files from his PC. He had a clue; some panties that the thief must have dropped on her way out. He sniffed them and immediately caught the scent. It was Katana, his ex-girlfriend. DAMMIT!

The tracks she stole were vital to the Rogue Pirate Ninja clan being able to destroy their arch enemies, the Corporation. There were three of them; Nirvana "Teen Spirit", Pantera "Cowboys from Hell", and a zoo recording of chimps having sex. The exact nature of their importance is known only to the Rogue Pirate Ninja themselves. Katana was a Rogue Pirate Ninja until last Thursday, when an impromptu session of Zero's patented 'surprise buttsecks angered her to the point of double crossing.

She then joined up with the Corporation, an evil body of rich fucks led by a right foul bastard who have been trying to destroy the Rogue Pirate Ninja clan for over a hundred years. I know what you're thinking; "That traitorous bitch!" And that is exactly what Zero was thinking. He had an premonition, though he hadn't confirmed the possibility, that his porn folder was missing as well.

In a few seconds he was out of his hideout and jumping through the trees like the ninja do on those crappy amine cartoons. He knew she was still close... he could smell her blood. It was that time of the month. For Pirate Ninja women it is always that time of the month. Their bodies are trained to always make them as uncomfortable as possible. It made them meaner. It also made them impossible to reason with. Zero was ready for a battle.

He knew that if the Corporation got a hold of those files, they could destroy the entire Rogue Pirate Ninja clan. Especially with Katana bringing them. She was one of the few people on the planet who might know how to activate them.

All of a sudden he was stopped dead in his tracks by a bottle of Jack Daniels to the face. It was the oldest trick in the Pirate Ninja trick book; Hire a roving band of drunken monkeys to attack anyone chasing you and guard your escape. Zero, as he was current on all the required reading for his chosen profession, was ready for it. A bottle of JD to the face would fuck anyone else right up. Pirate Ninja eat that sort of stuff for breakfast.

Eat bottle of JD in the face for breakfast?


Besides that, Zero had a plan. He pulled out a handle of EverClear labeled 'vodka' and threw it dead at the middle of the pack. He waited for about ten minutes while they finished it off. They ended up passed out, lying in huge puddles of monkey-vomit, drooling on themselves and no longer a threat. Ten minutes, however, was far too long.

Katana was gone.

Vital files were now in the hands of the enemy. All because Zero surprise buttsecked the wrong chick. He cursed himself for ever trying a relationship with that weird woman.

As he stared up at the sky, contemplating the gravity of exactly what just happened, and what was at stake at this point, a single thought traversed through Zero's mind.



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