Womp sat at the edge of the very same rock Katana had hid behind earlier. His comm device had lit up red and he knew what that meant; War soon. He had gathered up all of his guns, an assortment of auto, semi-auto, handguns, grenade launchers and RPGs (753 of them altogether) and was waiting for his ride.
Within a few minutes he was loading it all onto the Titsorgetthefuckout. Captain Buggernuts was there to say hi.
"So what's the plan?" Womp inquired as Smerff joined then on the bridge.
"We are going to fly around and kill everyone we see." Smerff said. "We see no need to wait 12 more hours to get started." Captain Buggernuts finished for him.
"Agreed," said Womp "What about Zero? I hear he is busy as well. If we find him, we find the fight."
"Yeah, we kind of figured the same thing." Buggernuts said as he pulled a nice sized joint out of his pocket and gave it to Smerff to fire up. "We haven't heard anything yet, though."
"We all know Zero too well." Smerff lit the joint and handed it off to Womp. "He is probably going to rush into Corporate headquarters alone, try to kill everyone himself, then need our help and send word at the very last minute."
"Too true," Captain Buggernuts said as he inhaled a large cloud of smoke. "We pretty much have to stay around enemy airspace near their headquarters until we hear from him. That means there will probably be at least one or two patrols in for a battle between now and then."
"Or ten." Womp said. "Oh well, better to start now than wait til later."
Smerff was just about to agree as a dark figure that looked more ninja than pirate appeared on his right side and took the still burning half joint from his hand. It was Number 8.
"Zero sent me. He says stay close by Corporate Headquarters. He is going there to kill everyone himself, with his bare hands. He will need you when that doesn't work. He also thanks you for the rest of this joint."
Then, as sudden as he appeared, Number 8 vanished, leaving three slightly stoned pirate ninja wondering where their joint went and how long it would be until they could find Zero so they could hit the roach.
"What do you mean, the shuttle disappeared!" It was Scott, CEO of the Corporation and really fat bastard, screaming from behind his huge mahogany desk. The skinny little intern that was sent to give him the news shook visibly.
"Yes sir," he stuttered a bit as he continued, "After we sent the initial transmission out to throw off the Pirate Ninja, we lost contact with the shuttle on our secure lines. We sent a team out and it was nowhere to be found."
"So I take it we don't have the data or the woman anymore?" Scott had calmed his voice into something more sinister than even his anger could have conveyed.
"N-n-no sir." The intern choked.
"Where is Omegazone?"
"I'm... I mean, that is... I don't... I can't say, sir" The intern was ready to shit himself.
Scott came around the desk and grabbed the intern by his throat. "He is dressed as a mouse fucking a rabbit, isn't he." It was more of a statement than a question.
Scott removed his hand from the neck of the young intern and walked back behind his desk. He pressed a button that opened the window behind him.
"Jump out." He said.
The intern jumped. From the 99th floor of Corporate headquarters. Scott was a powerful man.
After typing a few words on a keyboard, an image came up on the screen in front of him. It was a large hairy man with Mickey Mouse ears on his head and a dead rabbit hanging off his nether region. The scene would have been hilarious if it wasn't so mentally disturbing.
"Omega!" Scott yelled. The man with the rabbit turned towards the screen and nearly fell over himself trying to run. When you get caught raping a corpse of a rabbit, any person's first instinct would be to run. Omega was no different. He didn't know where he was going only that he needed to run, far and fast.
The problem was that rabbits do not get raped to death without a fair share of blood spilling on the ground. Blood is slippery. The faceplant was epic.
"Get up, you idiot." Scott's tone was slow and serious. Omega heard the finality in it and complied without a word. He took off the mouse ears and stood at attention looking directly into the screen.
"You are going to find the girl. You will find whoever she is with. You will kill them and bring her back here, along with the files. I will make her tell me how to use them, then you will kill her. You have 8 hours to do this."
Scott closed out of the screen. After a second thought, he opened it back up.
"Oh, and Omega..."
"Yes sir." Omega said as he was cleaning himself up.
"If you fail, I shall see to it that you share the rabbit's fate."
"So wait, what you are saying is that she really doesn't know how to use them?" Doc said as he stood at one end of a large conference table the Pirate Ninja had stolen from the corporation early last June.
"I'm not sure," Zero answered as he toyed with a lighter and a shot of 151 on the other side of the table. "I know that she had trouble mastering the technique during training. I'm not sure whether she finally got it or was just passed because of her tits." With that, he lit up the shot and took it down, flames and all.
"If she screws it up, you know what that means. At least, in theory anyways, since no one has ever really used it. Once the sequence is initiated it can't be stopped. If it cannot be controlled after that point, the entire planet is in jeopardy." Doc, the smartest pirate ninja of them all, who usually worries about nothing, sounded worried.
"Yeah, but," Zero responded, "We can't be sure if it even really works. No one has ever actually tried to use it."
"Yes," Doc said, "but we can't work on that assumption. You know as well as I do where we learned it from, and considering the source, we might as well just assume it works just as it is supposed to."
"But what about the transmission Womp intercepted? Do you think her shuttle really got destroyed? Or was it just bullshit to throw us off the trail?" Zero lit up another shot and let it burn slowly as he stared blankly into the flames, lost in thought.
"I don't know." Doc looked worried again. "But we can't afford to hope to get out of this that easily. I would honestly have expected the Corporation to try something like that anyways. Right now we have no choice but to assume they have not only the data, but the means to use it. You know exactly what that means." He stared gravely at the other Rogue Pirate Ninja.
Zero got serious. "No. That's a bad idea, and you know it." He shot back the flaming shot of 151 and slammed the empty glass on the table.
"We have no choice. I wanted you here when I did it." Doc was referring to rule 19, which clearly states if the enemy ever got a hold of the sound files, the Rogue Pirate Ninja clan would immediately destroy all their holdings and go into hiding. The order could only be given by one pirate ninja, and that pirate ninja was Doc.
"That's a cowards action!" Zero protested.
"No, it's a strategy." Doc countered. "It is using deception to gain an advantage. To buy us, and by 'us' I mean 'you', time to retrieve the files and the woman. I am sending the order out now. You have 12 hours. After that we are going to war. If you fail, I don't even need to tell you how dead we all are."
Zero lit another shot and slammed it down, glass and all. "I only need half that." he said coldly.
Doc nodded and pressed a button on a small communicator he held in his hand. Zeros began to beep red, as did every other Rogue Pirate Ninja in the land. It was all or nothing now. Everything they had would be destroyed on purpose and in 12 hours from that very second, they would all storm Corporate headquarters and either win or lose once and for all. There was no going back now.
Except, at that very moment, Captain Buggernuts and his crew all decided to chuck their communicators overboard and just go to war now.
As soon as Katana heard the shrill screams of the drunk monkeys she knew Zero wouldn't be following her anymore. He would be delayed at least a few minutes and that was all she needed to reach her rendezvous point.
As she reached the tall cliffs just outside the trees, she spotted the Corporate transport shuttle waiting for her. The plan was for her to meet with the two Corporate security guards and go with them back to their headquarters. Her plan, however, was different.
She crouched behind some large rocks just above the pick-up site. The security guards hadn't seen her yet, so they stood just outside the shuttle unaware of what was about to transpire. She used a small USB reader to inspect the data she had stolen; Three sound files and one full of naked women that wasn't part of the plan but had been stolen anyways, out of spite.
This was the data the Corporation wanted. The data they gave her all their resources to get her hands on. The very same data that would destroy everything the Rogue Pirate Ninja clan had worked for the last 100 years to achieve, and probably kill every single one of them.
It was also, however, data that she had no inkling at all to hand over to them. Someone else wanted it, and that someone was paying a price that even the Corporation could not afford.
Suddenly, a beam came out of the dark sky and focused on the shuttle and two security guards. Within a few seconds they dissipated into oblivion, every atom in their bodies and the ship having been torn apart into a trillion tiny pieces of nothingness. Not even a scorched mark on the Earth remained.
An alien ship appeared, hovering just above the spot where the corporate transport shuttle had once been. Katana emerged from her hiding place and approached quickly, entering into a door that had opened up as it lowered to the ground. As soon as she was safe inside, the vessel shot off into the sky.
Captain Buggernuts was passed out, drunk on rum, at the wheel of the Pirate Ninja flying vessel Titsorgetthefuckout when he got word that Katana had gotten away with the files. The news disturbed him so much that he immediately had to go take a shit.
As his foray into the world of restroom bliss was merely halfway through, the ship was rocked by a very large explosion and the Captain was nearly keelhauled by the very toilet he sat on. As such a thing resonates in the mind of any decent reader, it brings forth a very unsettling scene. Rogue Pirate Ninja, however, get keelhauled by a toilet at least once every few weeks, to keep them sharp.
In turn Captain Buggernuts stood up, wiped, washed his hands, and headed out to battle.
As he got to the deck of his tiny airship he spotted the enemy; two class C corporate Media Destroyers fully crewed by zombie cyborgs and armed to the teeth, looking for a fight. Strangely, however, they had stopped firing and hovered a few feet away from the stern. A man in a black suit stood opposite him on the deck of the closest destroyer with a bullhorn and began to address the Captain and his crew.
"Attention Pirate Ninja's" he began...
"WAIT!" a voice fired from bow of the ship that was about to be attacked. A taller, skinny Rogue Pirate Ninja ran up to the crowd waving his arms wildly.
"Actually, sir, it is 'Pirate Ninja" you mean to say. Not 'Pirate Ninja's." It was Smerff, a long time crew member of the Titsorgetthefuckout.
"No," corrected the man in the suit. "It can be used either way. Ninja or Ninja's. Both are acceptable grammatically."
"No, you are wrong." the tattered crew member shot back. "The only time you would use ninja with an s is when you are describing something that belonged to me, being the ninja. Such as, if you said "Oh my god, that ninja's dick is in my wife's ass!"
"But what if there were more than one ninja's dicks stuck in his wife's ass?" Captain Buggernuts interjected. "Would it be 'ninja dicks' or the 'ninja's dicks'?"
"Either way it would still be possessive." the suit on the other ship yelled through the bullhorn. "We are discussing plural, not possessive. If you said 'The ninja had their dicks in my wife's ass' you would probably be correct, but it is also acceptable to say 'the ninja's had their dicks in my wife's ass.' That makes it easier to tell if there are more than one. This is in reference to the number of ninjas, not the dicks belonging to the ninjas in question."
"There are seven of us here!" Smerff shouted at the man. "Seven of us with our dicks in your wife's ass. You have to use an apostrophe. If you don't, we will doubt your public speaking skills and most likely not take anything you say seriously. Since this is a negotiation, you should probably take that into account and weigh it seriously before choosing your words."
The man in the suit was getting visibly flustered. "You can't even use an apostrophe in speech!? Don't try to change the subject! We have you out-manned and out-gunned! You will surrender now! You will be boarded and every last man on that ship will be arrested for crimes against the Corporation! You are expected to cooperate fully or face death!"
"It is 'your' not 'you are'." Smerff replied. "You meant to say 'your' and not 'you are'. The expectation being the subject in the sentence and belonging to us, meaning you have to establish possession. You also meant to say 'you are' when demanding our surrender."
"You have no idea what you are talking about!" Screamed the man in the suit. "I used 'you're' to establish the possession of the surrender, which was the subject, because it belongs to you! You are an idiot who has no concept of proper grammar usage and should just shut up! What you are saying makes no sense!"
"Actually," Smerff cut him off, "It does. A rogue Pirate Ninja possess no surrender. What we do possess, however, are trolling techniques beyond your comprehension. While I have been trolling you, one of our crew has snuck over to your ships, placed remote control bombs in key locations, and is now safely back and ready to fire the ignitions."
"Ha! Everyone knows that Rogue Pirate Ninja's always travel in bands of seven! I count seven of you in front of me and none of you have moved! You are bluffing!" The man in the suit was fuming.
"Exactly" came a voice from behind the crowd, as a figure that looked more ninja than pirate emerged from absolutely nowhere. "That's why my name is 'Number 8."
Explosions ripped through the dark sky as the two destroyers were, well, destroyed.
The air was cold. The sky was screaming with meteorites, smashing through the atmosphere and clobbering the already much-too-old planet Earth. A Rogue Pirate Ninja known as Zero was busy being pissed off that a corporate spy broke into his hideout and stole some downloaded music files from his PC. He had a clue; some panties that the thief must have dropped on her way out. He sniffed them and immediately caught the scent. It was Katana, his ex-girlfriend. DAMMIT!
The tracks she stole were vital to the Rogue Pirate Ninja clan being able to destroy their arch enemies, the Corporation. There were three of them; Nirvana "Teen Spirit", Pantera "Cowboys from Hell", and a zoo recording of chimps having sex. The exact nature of their importance is known only to the Rogue Pirate Ninja themselves. Katana was a Rogue Pirate Ninja until last Thursday, when an impromptu session of Zero's patented 'surprise buttsecks angered her to the point of double crossing.
She then joined up with the Corporation, an evil body of rich fucks led by a right foul bastard who have been trying to destroy the Rogue Pirate Ninja clan for over a hundred years. I know what you're thinking; "That traitorous bitch!" And that is exactly what Zero was thinking. He had an premonition, though he hadn't confirmed the possibility, that his porn folder was missing as well.
In a few seconds he was out of his hideout and jumping through the trees like the ninja do on those crappy amine cartoons. He knew she was still close... he could smell her blood. It was that time of the month. For Pirate Ninja women it is always that time of the month. Their bodies are trained to always make them as uncomfortable as possible. It made them meaner. It also made them impossible to reason with. Zero was ready for a battle.
He knew that if the Corporation got a hold of those files, they could destroy the entire Rogue Pirate Ninja clan. Especially with Katana bringing them. She was one of the few people on the planet who might know how to activate them.
All of a sudden he was stopped dead in his tracks by a bottle of Jack Daniels to the face. It was the oldest trick in the Pirate Ninja trick book; Hire a roving band of drunken monkeys to attack anyone chasing you and guard your escape. Zero, as he was current on all the required reading for his chosen profession, was ready for it. A bottle of JD to the face would fuck anyone else right up. Pirate Ninja eat that sort of stuff for breakfast.
Eat bottle of JD in the face for breakfast?
Besides that, Zero had a plan. He pulled out a handle of EverClear labeled 'vodka' and threw it dead at the middle of the pack. He waited for about ten minutes while they finished it off. They ended up passed out, lying in huge puddles of monkey-vomit, drooling on themselves and no longer a threat. Ten minutes, however, was far too long.
Katana was gone.
Vital files were now in the hands of the enemy. All because Zero surprise buttsecked the wrong chick. He cursed himself for ever trying a relationship with that weird woman.
As he stared up at the sky, contemplating the gravity of exactly what just happened, and what was at stake at this point, a single thought traversed through Zero's mind.